It’s gotta go
everything must go so that everything may grow
What’s gotta go?
All of me; my insecurities and jealousy. There has always been this feeling in me that I was never able to say out loud because saying it would make it true. I consider myself as a whole and I am unable to see the value of the type of person I am compared to others.
With others, I can see the type of person they are, their faults, their value, the thing that makes them special in this world. But I guess it’s easier to see something when you are outside yourself.
I see myself as a walking oxymoron; wanting to be the total opposite of who I am, Coveting those who are what I want to be. If God had asked me what kind of attributes I would have wanted when creating me, I would have asked him to make me bi-racial (black and white), with a slim build with a smaller behind and an average height. I would have asked for an outgoing, bold personality to match the big curly hair. I would have asked to be extraordinarily good at one thing. To have one talent that I was the best at. I just feel like I got the bad end of everything. First of all, I’m a black woman who’s not too light in complexion ( Colorism is a real thing). Secondly, I am short and introverted and also not the prettiest out there and I’m easily overlooked. I don’t necessarily grab your attention right away, I’m more of an acquired taste.
And then I have friends who just grab attention everywhere we go. Guys are drawn to them like moths to a flame and they make friends easily. As much as I hate that green-eyed monster, I can’t help but feel jealous of them.
I can’t change who I am ultimately. Some things I do have control over but for the things I can’t change, I want to accept as being good. I want to be okay; completely satisfied with who I am. I want to celebrate these attributes that God thoughtfully gave me. I want to celebrate others for who they are without putting myself down and vice versa. Most importantly I want to do God’s will.
These insecurities are keeping me self-focused and selfish. They steal my joy and my peace. They must go.