You know when you finally get that thing that you have wanted for so long or have prayed for?
Do you also start getting anxious when you get it?
Like does your stomach also turn and squirm? your thoughts circling round and round?
Do you also get confused as to why you are feeling anxious even though this was something you wanted?
For someone who changes her hairstyle so often, I am not a fan of change when it finally occurs. The idea of something different sounds good enough, even exciting. However, when it finally happens, I find myself on many accounts yearning for my old life, the familiarity of what I had hated.
I like knowing, I hate not knowing. I would like to know exactly what is going to happen so I can prepare for it. My mental instincts are slow. It may take me a while to get with the flow.
I am by definition an introvert. Not shy, just quiet. In any new situation when I am not sure how I best fit in, I observe and by observing I keep quiet.
I observe how things are run, how everyone in that environment works together, how the system operates. In doing that I determine how I can best be situated in that certain place. So what may look like shyness, or snobbish behavior is not. Many times I know that is what it looks like and for years I have fretted, concerned that people will get the wrong idea about me.
The problem with the familiar
For an Introvert like me, familiarity is my best friend but also my biggest setback. Many times, I keep away from doing certain things (that I can control) because I know it will take all my strength to do it. What you may think is so easy, like making small talk or meeting new people, I have to work twice as hard to do.
So things, like starting a new job and meeting a large group of people, are especially challenging because in those situations you are expected to be outgoing and friendly and if you’re not, it’s a bad thing. You’re automatically unfriendly or stuck up.
For a long time, I felt that my time at my old job had ended before it actually ended. Many times I tried to leave but I always came back to it. God had other plans in store. I also felt like it was time for me to move out of my parent’s house eight months ago but I couldn’t find a job to sustain that wish.
And then just like that things change.
It’s really crazy how much and how quickly things can change in such a short amount of time.
I have officially left Forever 21 after two years of working with them. My last shift was just a couple days ago on Thursday. I am starting my new job and the first step in my changed career in Child Care as a Child Care Assistant at a daycare.
I am also planning on moving out on my own again by January which would mark one year of being back in Winnipeg. The new job is a bit more than minimum wage so if I can find a place within budget, it’s all a go.
I’m also changing spiritually and emotionally. I’m learning about myself, trying my best to get that information from God and not from people or myself.
I am asking God to show me the things about myself that I should want to change (like my meekness or having something constructive to say and not saying it because I don’t want attention) and which things (like my personality) are positive and which he intentionally put in me for good.
I am grateful for everything that is happening but I can’t help but feel that familiar dread of having to do it all over again.
The dread of having to meet a bunch of different people, and do all the niceties in order to have a good work experience. The dread of having to exert all my energy in order to do all of this.
I felt all this dread this morning since tomorrow is the day and I was wishing I was back at my old job where I at least knew what to expect. However, I was comforted by a verse I had read before; Exodus 14:13-14: Moses answered the people:
“Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again.The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”
I read the whole of Exodus 14 and was comforted. All these feeling are merely just that; feelings. I will get used to the new situations. I will figure out again how to best fit into the situation. I will be fine.