Where do you run?
Let me paint you a picture
You woke up this morning, had a decent sleep. You get dressed, it’s just like every other day.
You get yourself where you need to be for that day. However, this day is different though. It may be something small or something big, but something goes wrong, something doesn’t go as you would like.
You’re off your game, your emotions are affected. You concentrate on finishing up the rest of the day, already thinking of getting back home.
Finally home, the remnants of the day come back to you. All that went wrong, your feelings, and how that affected how you feel currently come back. You don’t feel good and for that moment, at least just for that moment you want to feel happy, a little glimpse or feel of something that will make you feel different than you are feeling at the moment.
Let me ask you this
In that moment what do you turn to?
where do you go running?
You know that cute thing little kids do when they hurt themselves? they bring their hurt limbs to you so you can kiss it and make it better.
Where do you take your broken limbs to be kissed and made better?
Is it to another person? to sex? to Porn? to alcohol? to Instagram? Social media? …Drugs?
I have been there and I am still struggling there. I run away.
Whats funny to me is that we know that these things mentioned above and more, that seem to make it better, only make it better at that moment. After that high, we are back with those very emotions but now with shame added to the mix because of what we have done.
I find myself thinking often, rationalizing too often, trying to persuade my conscience to let me escape for a bit.
“I just want to feel good”
This statement is repeated in my mind until that still small voice telling me to run before I sin becomes a faint whisper and then it’s completely gone.
Whats left? it’s that same phrase ‘I just want to feel Good’
and then I do it and for a brief moment I do feel good
We may think that it will be just a one-time thing but we now find ourselves in the same spot when another situation arises.
And it’s like our mind selectively chooses not to remember how we felt afterward.
How much shame we brought on ourselves.
- The self-hatred
- The disgust
- The frustration
- Isolation, etc.
All that is apparent is that things are currently not looking good and we need to escape.
Breaking the cycle
I’m trying to find a different escape route.
One that’s less damaging, that is actually beneficial. One that I don’t hide or am ashamed of. One that adds value to my life.
And I have read many scriptures on overcoming sin, bad behaviors, on forgiveness and the new life we have in Christ and surrendering your will and life to God. But it’s not that simple. It’s exactly as Paul said:
14-16 I can anticipate the response that is coming: “I know that all God’s commands are spiritual, but I’m not. Isn’t this also your experience?” Yes. I’m full of myself—after all, I’ve spent a long time in sin’s prison. What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God’s command is necessary.
17-20 But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. (Romans 7:15-20)
I have also tried willpower but it does not stand a chance to my human nature. I can will it but I can’t do it for long.
One thing that has stayed constant in the many readings I’ve done is that we need to let others in on our struggles. A close friend, people you trust, someone who you have given the right to be able to speak into your life and you will listen.
I’ve been skirting around this vital step for a while.
My biggest setback is that I am so introverted. To take an introvert out of their comfort zone is not easy, it’s taking fish out of water. I’d prefer to keep anything personal between two people; me and God.
I acknowledge that it needs to be done.
I’m not going to lay everything out on here. I probably will never do it, unless God wants me to. In my quest for being more transparent, I want to start a conversation. Now I’m just praying for strength, to be honest, and completely candid about my struggles to someone I trust.
If you want to start a conversation or have something to say feel free to send me a message. Contact me through my social media or if you’d like to remain anonymous, contact me here even if it’s just to let it out, or have someone pray for you (include a way for me to get back to you if you wish).
Do not struggle alone. Let others in. We give power to what is done in private to those things we think is hidden. Break that cycle.