A time for everything

I have been watching this series from transformation church on youtube Called Stride   . The overall message of the series is to stop STRIVING ( To exert oneself vigorously; to work hard) and start STRIDING (to walk with long decisive steps in a specific direction). So overall we are not to depend on our own efforts but to depend on God’s pace for our lives.

The third message of the series: The pace of grace, is about letting God set the pace of grace ( The rate of movement, progress and growth that God sets and supernaturally provides for)

One particular area in my life that I know I tend to strive in is when it comes to guys. I have had one boyfriend in my life and that is the last boyfriend I will ever have. Honestly, if I had waited on God, I would have been single till now and perhaps I would be where I am now with less pain and heartache.

I don’t know how well I can tell this story while only disclosing the important information and not being biased but here it is.

We met online, I was hesitant at first but thought why not?

We went to the movies on our first date. If you were to ask me what my first impression of him was, I’d say he was strange.

He was just different; from that hair that stood up, to the duck sweater, and how he walked. He stole someone’s parking spot as they were waiting for it in the parking lot. He loved SIA. He talked too much and kept asking me if I wanted popcorn when I told him I did not. He talked during the movie and was quite loud too. He also tried to kiss me when he dropped me off at home. I gave him a look, and in my mind, I was thinking: really? on the first date?

I wasn’t feeling the guy and I didn’t think anything would come of it. We hung out again, at his place but things just started going too far. I got upset and asked him to drive me back. He apologized and seemed very apologetic. I texted him later that night if I can remember correctly. I think I said something along the lines of ‘I wish it could, but I didn’t think things are going to work out.’

I think he called me the next day or so and we talked. We really started talking and somehow, I don’t even know how but we moved from that first date to dating.

There was that thing. You know that thing that just flows effortlessly when you’re into someone?? It was there and I was so into him. Whenever we were both free we were together. At that time he was working 3 different jobs and in my mind that was huge because it showed that he was a hard worker.

We had fun. There was no doubt in my mind that we were both moving forward in the relationship.

Then trust issues came up.

One night after school, I headed to his place because we were going out for groceries. When I arrived, there was a girl his room. This guy was able to convince me to let him drive me home with the girl still in his room. I trusted him though. I had no reason to doubt him until that moment. According to him, the girl had gotten in a fight with the other girls she roomed with in the house and she needed to be apart from them (he was renting a room in a house with other people). From prior experience, I knew how hot and cold the girls were towards each other. So I allowed him to drive me home. I was upset and I couldn’t get over the fact that he did not send that girl out. I was the girlfriend, I got first priority.

That scene kept playing in my mind and it was just not making sense. Long story short, I asked this guy if he was cheating on me and he said he wasn’t. I told him to prove it to me by showing me his phone, he just kinda smiled a bit and refused.

I’m not proud to say it but when I knew the boy had gone asleep I used his thumbprint to get on the phone. I went on Instagram, straight to the DM’s (cause you know if anything is going down, it’s in the DM’s). I found messages from him to other girls, trying to meet up with some, trying to get the number of some. Everything from that moment on happened in a daze. I posted a picture of myself on his Instagram saying I was just one of the girls he had played,  I snipped chunks of hair from his head, took what I could get my hands on and left on the bus back home.

As the day played out, he found out what I had done and was furious -and rightly so. He said I had taken things too far over some messages he regarded as harmless flirting. We didn’t speak for some time. To him, I had done the worst thing anyone could ever have done. I think that was probably the worst time of my life. I felt guilty for what I had done. I believed that he was right. I started begging this guy to forgive me, to give me a second chance.

We got back together after a while but it was never the same as before. Now the fact that I was not Nigerian was the biggest problem in the world since he was Nigerian. We were no longer moving forward together anymore. He made it clear that the relationship could not go further than where it was. I mean how could it work? Not only was I not Nigerian I was basically a white girl too. The only thing African about me was my skin color.

We broke up again, but this time it was for good. We decided to be friends which was the worst decision at the time. It’s strange but through the whole entire time I knew him, he became my best friend.

Though we were friends, there were still feelings there (at least for me). In reality, we were friends on paper but acted like we were still dating.

So then he started seeing this girl, but this guy would downplay it to me to make it seem like nothing was really going on. I made it clear that if he was serious about this girl then we had to stop whatever we were doing. Sure I was jealous but his happiness mattered most to me. Long story short, the girl contacted me and we figured out what he was doing. We got together along with the girls in his house and hatched a plan to get him back. Out of anger, we acted very foolishly without thinking of the consequences. I don’t even want to get into how the plan played out but it was not good at all. The consequences were far greater than the actions that caused it.

When I think about the whole situation, I know I played a big part in the whole thing. I shake my head at the mess it became. I get very embarrassed remembering how much I chose to cling to this guy. I practically begged him to take me back when I should have gotten out the first time. I did not want to lose him. Honestly, I thought that was the best I could do.

I didn’t think I could ever find someone like him. Someone who would make me feel like how he made me feel. Someone who would get me like he did.

I allowed my soul to be tied to his when it had no business to be in the first place. I had no business thinking I was ready to have someone and thinking I had the right to do something about it. I had no business continuing in the relationship when I saw that our values conflicted.

I just wanted someone.

And I loved him. I don’t think there was anything I would not have done for him. So what he must have seen as a betrayal of his trust was really the extent of the hurt that I felt. To this day I still remember everything. Sometimes I  smile at the good memories but then I stop myself from doing so, sharply reminding myself of what he did.

But it takes two. I was young and thought I knew what I wanted. I wish I could go back and shake myself to my senses but I wouldn’t know what I know today. I have learned so much since then about myself and insecurities I never knew existed. I know what I deserve.

I deserve a guy to choose me, I deserve better.

There’s a time for everything. I have to stop trying to make things happen by my efforts and trust that God’s plan is right. He knows exactly what he is doing. It’s not my job to help him out.

Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.

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